medifast day 1

started my medifast plan today. i have tried this in the past but gave up and started eating food again. for the amount of time i did try, i did lose some weight. i am encouraged this time because i am just miserable about my weight, how i look, and how i feel. i don't even know how much i weigh, due to being "off the charts" scale-wise, so at this point i have to measure my weight loss by how my clothes feel and with a tape measure. been catching episodes of extreme makeover: weight loss edition on hulu. the people were in similar situations as i am. i am very inspired by rachel's story. she is young and beautiful and was trapped by the body she was in. you can watch her episode by clicking here. she is about the same size i was when i deserted this blog three years ago. she got down to 200 lbs in a year and looks amazing. i can do that. and so here i am on medifast. this morning i had the southwest style scrambled eggs. i jazzed them up even more with some chili powder and a couple dashes of hot sauce. not five-star cuisine but palatable. then two hours later i had the chocolate pudding, which i couldn't seem to get the lumps out of no matter how much i stirred it. also, it didn't thicken up the way the package said it would so i was basically slurping lumpy chocolate. i guess i will use a fork or a real whisk next time. my next meal will be the medifast chili. then, i get three more medifast meals and i'll be done for the day. the medifast meal plan calls for five medifast meals, plus one "lean and green" meal (like fish and veggies), but i am working with my doctor and we have agreed that with her supervision i can have seven medifast meals per day, no lean and green until i am back on the charts weight wise. her scale goes up to 400 lbs. and i exceed that. once i am down to 400 (we estimate that i am around 430), then i will follow medifast as recommended to continue with my weight loss. so, that's that.

Holy shit!!!

I haven't logged on here since spring 2008. Did it really take three more years for me to realize that I am killing myself? My last weight on this blog was 378 pounds. Now? I am so ashamed of my weight. It is off the charts and my scale doesn't go past 400 pounds. I would KILL to just be back down to 378. My life is a wreck. I have decided that enough is enough. I am tired of wearing this emotional pain on my body. I have excelled in every aspect of my life except my weight. This is not normal. I have to face these issues that keep me locked in this prison of fat on my body. I need psychotherapy, and possibly anti-depressants. I need to start talking about the sexual abuse I endured as a child. I need to get this out of me so I can get on with my life. I don't think anyone sees this blog, and at this point I don't even care. Part of the failure of my past weight loss attempts was due to me putting my accountability into the hands of other people. This is MY journey, this is something that I have to do for my OWN benefit and not because it will make someone like me or love me. This journey is real this time. I am scared for my health and I think it's time that I start taking it more seriously.

Day One

So, today is day one. I have come to terms with the fact that I have real issues with food. I binge. A lot. I know that if I can get my binge eating under control the weight will automatically come off. What I want to do is just that, plus learn to live a healthy lifestyle. Numbers are not important but still, they are important. Having said that I weighed myself today, but I won't be weighing myself again until three months from now. I will only weigh myself once every quarter. That way, I won't be so focused on the weight (and numbers) and I won't be obsessed with and possessed by the scale. That seems logical to me. So ... today's weight is 378 lbs. Not as much as I thought, but still a lot. I have joined the fellowship of Charlotte Kasl's 16 Steps of Discovery and Empowerment. It is an alternative to the 12 step method of recovery (Alcoholics Anonymous, Eating Disorders Anonymous, Food Addicts Anonymous, etc.) which I believe, is self-destructive. But I will go into that later. Anyway, I am also back to following the Intuitive Eating approach. I'll eat what I want, when my body calls for it, and only as much as I need to feel satisfied (never stuffed or full). Gentle exercise ... no vigorous workouts. So ... it's 8:24 a.m and I am trying to decide if I am hungry and if I want to eat breakfast. I'm not. So, maybe later ... in about an hour, maybe 90 minutes, I will have some oatmeal and fruit. I'm excited about my journey. :)

Holy Shit! Now that was an absence!

Quick update ... Okay, I am back and I am ready to kill this binge monster once and for all! For about eight months I have been depressed, eating non-stop, not exercising and just feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of getting on my own damn nerves, so I am back on the wagon. Not dieting ... just want to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Change bad habits and be healthy. No more numbers, either. So I have to figure out an updating format without utilizing them. Even in the past, as I lost weight, I hated my body. I have a big emotional issue to deal with; that is learning to love my body and how to honor it and treat it respectfully. I am going to stop coveting other women's figures as well, I think that was part of my self-hate cycle. Observe as I evolve!

Weeks 3 and 4

Yep, I missed a week. My dad got sick and I spent time with him and Mommy. He had surgery on Sunday morning and he's doing okay. Thank you, God! Since I missed a weigh-in, I have switched my weigh-in day from Saturday to Wednesday to be more in sync with the Weigh-In Wednesday group on youtube. Here's my latest weigh-in video: Because of mindless eating due to worrying about Daddy and a certain visitor this month, plus lack of exercise for four days, I had expected to either gain weight or maintain 348 lbs. Imagine my shock when I learned I had lost seven. Man, this alli stuff rocks! My Losing Trend:

So what do I eat?

I freakin' love Lean Cuisine! I am single, and I only cook for myself when I absolutely have to. I love cooking for OTHER people, like my parents and aunt and extended family, but I live alone and most times I just don't feel like doing a big to-do for myself. That's where Lean Cuisine comes in. I can eat healthy and get a good meal. I like to add salads and fruit for dessert to the entrees. I don't really waste money on the full-meal varieties because I want what I want, not what they want to give me. My favorites are the Lasagna With Meat sauce and the Mediterranean chicken. The Beef & Cheddar panini and the Spinach pizza are starting to grow on me as well. As for the knock-offs ... I like Michelina's. Their Lean Gourmet line isn't too tasty and since my calorie needs are higher, I do well with the Favorites and Authentico lines. Turkey burgers!!! I keep those in my freezer too. The lean, spiced tb patties by Jenni-O are off the chain. I broil them for about 6 minutes on each side, letting the fat (they're already low-fat with only 9 g./patty) drip down into the broiler pan. I cut 'em up and eat em like steak. Love 'em. Veggies: I stock my freezer with stir fry mixes (without sauces ... just the veggies), broccoli florets, which I love, and corn cobs. I like to roast my corn on a cookie sheet with some other root veggies that have been tossed in olive oil spray and herbs. I love, love, love tomatoes. This is summer and the best tomatoes are out now. I can eat one whole from my hand like an apple! Just a little Mrs. Dash or pepper and I'm in heaven. I prepare my stir-fry by putting the veggies directly into the skillet with about 2 tbs of low-sodium chicken broth to shock them. I cover the skillet until the broth is absorbed, then push the veggies aside and spray the skillet with Pam, add Mrs. Dash and then stir fry as usual. LOADS OF FLAVOR! I love fresh salad greens too. I go through a bag of baby lettuces and spinach in about two days. I usually spray them with the new Salad Spritzers by wishbone. If I'm out of that I can put a dollop or two of fat-free cottage cheese on there and it tastes like a dressing to me. As for fruit ... I can't get enough bananas! I usually have half of one in a bowl of bran flakes, or cheerios, or sliced into my oatmeal (the real oatmeal, which is way more filling in one serving than that instant stuff). My favorite apples are galas and fujis. I eat a WHOLE grapefruit for breakfast sometimes, sprinkled with 2 packets of splenda. I love green grapes, honeydews, kiwis, and blueberries. I always make sure I eat breakfast ... even if it's just a handful of cereal with a few chugs of milk (always skim). I'm losing weight fast, but yes -- I *do* eat right. The reason why I lose over 5 lbs a week is because I'm so overweight. It is healthy for me to lose that much so quickly. As I shrink, my weight loss will slow down and I'll have to either eat less or exercise more and I am prepared for that. Since I love to eat, when that time comes I'll be hitting that sidewalk even more. :-) Yes, I do eat carbs in the form of whole grains. As I said earlier ... oatmeal, bran flakes, cheerios. But also whole grain bread and pasta. I'm not afraid of the carbs in my lean cuisine dinners either. Damn all that! My downfall is FAT and sugar! :-) Highest weight ever: 375 lbs Week 1 weight: 359 Current weight: 348 lbs Mini goal weight: 300 lbs Ultimate goal weight: 190-200 lbs Current weight lost: 27 lbs Weeks on program: 3

Week 2

I'm in a hurry and I have to get ready for work. But my official week 2 weight is 348 lbs!!!! I lost 11 lbs in ONE week with alli. A total loss of 27 lbs!! Holy Shit!!! Highest weight ever: 375 lbs Week 1 weight: 359 Current weight: 348 lbs Mini goal weight: 300 lbs Ultimate goal weight: 190-200 lbs Current weight lost: 27 lbs Weeks on program: 3